Not a good way to start the day

Little Man is not sleeping well at the moment. I can only assume it is due to the school having just completed an Olympic fortnight so the normal routine was all disrupted with a focus on sporting events, although each day the kids were being told tomorrow they would be playing x sport, but then it rained so they did something different indoors or had lessons so none of the kids knew if they were coming or going.

Tomorrow they also find out their new classes for next year. Last year we got told a week in advanced and Little Man got to spend a bit of extra time with his new teacher and got to have a few extra transition visits. This year we are struggling to find out. Its not just the teacher and classroom that will change but also his classmates as the school mixes the classes up each year. So this is all causing him to be a little out of sync with life.

I am a bit miffed with the school for not letting us know. Problem is they don't see him at 3am when he is inconsolable or at 7.00am when he is throwing a paddy about the chair being turned the wrong way or absolutely having to have the moshi monster character his little brother has and it not being fair so therefore it is OK to be really horrid to both mummy and Mini Man and kick the furniture.

Problem this year is the special needs teacher is on long term sick, and last year the infant school and junior school which stood in the same grounds, merged to one school of 500 children. They have just had their first ofsted which was not particularly good, and as a result contracts are not being renewed for September and new staff are being brought in - including 1 year 4 teacher so interviews complete today, so they don't even know who will be teaching next year yet.

It s a bit of a nightmare. I was not ready for it kicking off this morning over breakfast, honestly the day those moshi monsters entered our lives was not a good one! They are his latest obsession, he has a box full of them. He has also learnt to trade, well I say learnt to trade, he trades but then wants them back and doesn't understand that the other child may not want to give it back.  I have banned trading, the school have banned trading but they are all still doing it.

He was being very verbal this morning as well as kicking the wall and his chair. Verbally he was telling his little brother he wished he was a goldfish (which Mini Man got very distraught about), and telling me I was the worst mummy in the world, he hated me, Daddy was much nicer and better to him, Daddy cared about him, I didn't care about him etc etc.

To be honest, I was a little upset and told him. If only he knew just exactly what we mothers give up for them. Right now I am doing alot just for the boys so that they are happy and their happiness far exceeds my happiness. They will probably never know but it really bothered me. I know he is just 8 and I know he is not being rationale when he is this way inclined but its more the fact I can't turn round and tell them the truth, make them understand just how much I am doing for them.

I was also pretty miffed that I am apparently so much more horrid than Daddy, this is Daddy who spends 80% of the time shouting at the moment at them and getting cross with him over his school work, how easy it is to forget! This at the moment is also a consistent thing, Daddy can do no wrong, again I know it is just a phase and try not to take it personally but when all you've heard all weekend is how he loves Daddy the best, a lot more than mummy, although he does love me apparently but not as much (his words not mine) it does take it toll by 7am Monday morning when you are tired (another broken night with him) and its not the way you intended to start your Monday.

Gurrrhhh and while I am on a rant, I have just had an appointment with a man about seeing if we were mis-sold payment protection on our mortgage. He turns up 10 minutes early and the time it took me to walk from my office (the small bedroom in a 3 bed semi), down the stairs to the side of the house to open the door, and lock the dog in the other room, he had rung the doorbell twice and hammered on my front door so hard it shook. He then marches in, plonks himself at the breakfast bar, gets out the paperwork and tells me there is a 25% fee if they win and was I happy with this. I said I wasn't sure as I had not looked into others but it seemed quite high to me so he flung the paperwork on the breakfast bar, shut his briefcase and marched out of the kitchen saying 'well if you want to go ahead fill the paperwork in and send it back in the pre-paid envelope' and with that he had shut the door and was gone. He was so rude and the way I feel today I feel like ringing up and complaining about him. On principle I don't think I will go with them now anyway.

What was that you said?

Conversation last night with Little Man

'Right Little Man, time for you to get into bed now please'

'OK then mummy'

5 minutes later, call up the stairs

'Erhh Little Man, didn't I ask you to get your teeth cleaned and get into bed? You still seem to be playing'

'No I'm not mummy, I'm just cleaning my shit up'

'I beg your pardon, what did you just say'

'Mummy, I said I was cleaning my ship up, my Lego starwars ship, it's been in a battle and is all damaged'

'Ahhh, that's OK then, do it quickly and I'll be upstairs to say night night in 5 minutes'

Best friends

Next weekend I am going on a hen weekend for one of my closest friends. I met her a year into my PhD, I came from North Yorkshire, she started a year after me and was from Kent. I remember the day I first met her & commenting to my fume hood buddy in the Chemistry lab that I could hardly understand her with such a Southern accent! That was 11 years ago. We hit it off immediately, neither of us have an ounce of common sense between us, we are both dippy and on the same wave length. To cement our friendship we discovered a shared love of horses, drinking and talking. Once I left Nottingham we spoke at least once a week and an average call would be the 59 free minutes on my phone, followed by a call back and 59 minutes on her phone. She has always been there for me, and me for her. She was one of the first to visit our first son & always called in on her way down the M1 from Nottingham to her parents in Kent. We have laughed and cried together many times. I was there for her when her then fiancé took a years contract in Boston, USA & she had to stay in the UK as she couldn't get a job. When she turned up on my doorstep unannounced 4 months later, my first words to her were 'you are either pregnant or have met someone else' the look on her face told me it was the latter & the hesitation confirmed I knew him (best friend/best man to be of fiancé). She was at my house when she told fiancé. The new relationship had her head over heels, shame the wanker didn't feel the same. He broke her heart, again we saw her through that. The boys loved their Aunty Nut! She has now met a new man and is due to get married. Her job has also moved her to Switzerland. I miss her like hell. She skypes but it's not the same, new man is always in the background, she is busy, I am busy & we can go months without speaking now :( I hate it. I haven't seen her for a year, last time was when I attended a conference in Switzerland & she made the 2 hour journey to me and I sneaked her into my hotel room for 2 nights. I worry about her though. She is head over heels again. New man is nice (DH & I both loved original fiancé but agree it was right to end). New Man is crap with money, he seems to float from job to job, spending numerous months 'looking' for something. They both had their own houses. She rented hers and moved in with him. She took a 10 grand loan to help do his house up, and he then had it repossessed as he was in so much financial trouble and went bankrupt. See why I am worried? He is bankrupt, she has the 10k loan round her neck. His Dad got him a job at his firm, my friend gets a 9 month secondment in Switzerland, she pays for all flights for both his & hers visits. Christmas just gone she got offered a permanent position in Switzerland and she accepted. Now he lives there with her, she works, he does, well not quite sure what, according to Facebook, swim, walk, drink afternoon beers and bum around the apartment. Oh & is learning German. Apparently he won't get a job until fluent and even then may struggle. As for the wedding. Well let's just say I don't think the bankruptcy has hit home. I am one of 4 bridesmaids. The dresses are lovely. Shoes are yet to be decided but she fancies the £150 a pair John Lewis' ones for us, she says she doesn't mind buying them. We will wear them once. We all like the £30 debenhams shoes with matching ballet pumps for the pregnant bridesmaid. As for the guests, it is strict black tie for all male guests. T'husband is going to have to hire a tux. When I (among others) broached the subject to see if a black suit would surfice, groom said across Skype 'I can't understand everyone's problem with this black tie thing, it's only the cost of a suit, people should get over it'. Ok that told me! The wedding venue, discounted rooms are £175 a night, again she recently said to me she was a little upset the best man had opted for the Trsvelodge & not many were staying in the hotel. I then had to admit t'husband and I had booked the local b&b with one of the other bridesmaid & partner for both nights. As for the hen weekend well lets just say I have spent £198.00 so far on train fare & hotel before even arriving. I hope my 2nd mortgage comes through before next Friday as despite needing it, I can't bloody wait to see her again!!!

New School Year Approaching

I know it may seem odd to be already thinking about the new school year but there are a couple of logical reasons for it (well logical to my mind that is). Firstly I have today received a London 2012 Paraolympic Games package through the post containing 4 tickets and passes and an official programme thanks to the lovely people at Sainsburys! I was lucky enough to win tickets through them a while ago. I am stupidly excited about this but the events we have are on September the 4th, the kids new school year starts September the 3rd. We live in Yorkshire, the games are in London. So I have spent the day trying to work out logistics. I obviously need to ask for authorised absence for the boys - I am actually against taking kids out of school however I also feel this is a once in a lifetime experience and one which will teach them a lot especially about disabilities and how they have no need to stop you. My plan is boys start back to school on the 3rd, meet their new classes and teacher, we get the train to London Monday night, spend the following day in Olympic Park and then get the train home that night so they only miss 1day of school. My second thought about a new school year stems from the special needs teacher being on sick at the mo - long term as her husband died at Christmas, I just pray she is back in September. Last year she told us early who Little Man was going to the following year so we had about a week to prepare him for when their classes were announced. He is very out of sync at the moment and waking about 3am wanting to 'chat' or tell me about his dreams and all conversations relate to change. I am on my knees and have spoken with the headmistress and asked if we can know his teacher again to try and aleviate some of the anxiety he is experiencing. The school has just had an ofsted which wasn't great. They recognised that the infant and primary school merged a year ago so this headmistress now has 500 children under her care with 2 deputies so she is so busy it's a nightmare. Due to ofsted there is now a massive shake up of staff so they are appointing a number of new teachers. I can't complain as I feel the teaching has been excellent. Little Man has gone up 6 reading levels in a year and he can now read. Ok so his Maths and literacy is still very poor but they have done loads to help. Mini man has come on as well. Compared to our old school which had an outstanding ofsted the teaching seems better, but attendance record for this new school is very poor which ofsted don't like. The changes in teachers bring me to my third point. I was in the school office this morning and loads of candidates were arriving for interviews for the posts. Talk about me suddenly feeling my age - it was a bit of a slap in the face infact. Next year one of my sons could be being taught by a teacher, a qualified teacher who doesn't even look old enough to of taken his GCSEs, let alone have a degree. More than glad looked about 16 (but obviously weren't!). On the reverse side that must mean to them that I look ancient :(

Should I? Shouldn't I?

As I write this I am fighting with myself as to whether I should - sounds a jumbled I know.

I really, really need to off load, to get something out and I don't know whether to, I don't know if I will regret it, I don't know what it will achieve, but to be honest I am pretty darn up happy at the moment and have been for a long time and don't really know who to turn to or what to do about it.

It is affecting everything, if I am on a bad day because of it, I sit at my computer staring out of the window or playing patience avoiding all forms of work as I can not concentrate, so sit and wallow. I can't bring myself to blog, I don't have the time as I am so disorganised with everything, and take 3 times as long to achieve simple thing, so work is behind and I am getting more and more aware if I don;t pull myself together I will stop getting work sent through, in some respects I think it has already happened. Back in February I was working on 2 main accounts with this one agency and was lined up to do a meeting in Madrid in June for project A. Project B is pretty full on at the moment as we are working towards a major European launch in September, but suddenly when I asked about what I needed to be doing towards the June meeting for Project A< I was told someone else had been getting on with it and not to worry about it. yes my hands are pretty full with Project B, but I think A were told to back off as I wasn't coping with w major projects :(

I know there will be one person reading this who is now feeling very worried about me, please don't go ringing and being concerned as my main problem is I wont really talk about it - stupid isn't it? You are probably one of the main reasons I have not spoken about it on here before as I don't want you to worry, I dont want it discussed with me or anyone else (not that I am saying you will go ringing round everyone as I know you wont, but its just like tell one person and I then might tell someone else as the first person kept it to themselves but that 2nd person might not...). I am waffling.

OH flipping, bollocking hell, I really can;t go on like this - saying it, is admitting it, admitting it is facing the bare truth.

Do I have the courage?

Missing in Action

Yep, theramblingpages has been MIA for nearly a month now.

I decided to take some time out, time to spend solely with the boys, time to spend on getting on top of a never ending ironing pile, housework and garden, time to spend on sorting out my work.

I took a huge step back from many things mainly to concentrate on the boys. I feel as if all I do is sit at a computer, they will grow up believing mummy does nothing but work.

Problem is my priorities are wrong - I waste time during school hours, then panic and try and make up my hours in the evening. I have managed to slip right back into that this morning, I sat down at 9.30 to write this post and try and get back on the blogging wagon, and it is now 10.21 as all I have done is look at various posts on my blogger dash board, i have yet to even open my email which when I looked at it last week stood at over 1300 unread.

I think I will delete all, and start afresh rather than trying to catch up.

So time away has been fun, we've done lots, I have realised I need to be more organise and prioritise and also that I enjoy blogging and have missed it.

I might not post daily but I am certianly planning om blogging regularly.

Hello to all out there still and looking forwards to reconnecting with people

x

Blogging frustration!

Ok so this blog has been a little dry recently and I can only apologise. I have decided that I need to change things. I need to stop wasting my working hours and concentrate on work which in turn means I don't have to get up with the sun at 4.30am to play catch up before the day actually begins. This means I am not ridiculously tired and getting wound up that I can't do my work as I am simply too tired. It also means I can actually spend time with my boys and have free evenings to run, and get on with the bedroom which I began to strip the wallpaper off in December. I finished this last night the 7th June (ho hum). Once the bedroom is done, I need to finish the beading in the hall which was laminated in November (2nd ho hum) and then complete the decorating which is half under coated, again since November. Don't even go there as to why I am doing all of this and not t'husband although I do admit the huge control freak in me probably doesn't help! I am getting very frustrated as I keep thinking of blog posts and am itching to write them but am making myself get on top of things first. I do feel good about myself for doing this but also guilty my blog is suffering. I am however excited about being able to do a before and after post on our bedroom. I am frustrated as I desperately want to take part in meal planning Monday - I am so bored with my standard meals week in week out and know I will get loads of inspiration, I want to do my groovy mums weekly Tuesday post, take part in Kate Take 5 listography and reasons to be cheerful and important to me is eventually blog about ADHD and autism. So much to do but instead of trying to do them all, I am now tackling one at a time x Apologies for terrible spelling and grammar, this is via phone and very rushed and a nightmare to try and read back!