Time to declutter and sort out

And by that I am not actually talking about a pre-Christmas clearout with the  boys, I am talking about my head!

I am fed up of my lack of organisation, I am a disaster zone, everything done last minute, t-shirts and jumpers for school washed at midnight on a Sunday as I forgot to do them, getting up at stupid-o-clock to stick them on radiators and then finishing drying them in the microwave before anyone is up. Its a joke.

If I was more organised workwise I would probably achieve a hell of a lot more rather than sitting feeling depressed about how much I want to do and never seem to have time to do. I mess around, I waste time, I hate myself for doing it and then do some more of it.

Today I am going to start a few new things, this has got to stop.

1. I am going to put reminders in my phone for literally everything, I am talking about down to details like:
1. Monday - 7.30am clean bathroom, 9.10 clean kitchen and floor, 11.00 wash towels, 1.00 take dog out etc etc
2. Tuesday - 7.30am do kitchen, 9.10 mop lounge and dining floor etc
3. Wednesday - 9.10am strip beds and wash, 11.00 vacuum house etc etc
2. Go out and buy some St Johns Wart. I have used this in the past and for me it has been effective. While I wouldn't say I was depressed and would certainly not be going to the doctors, I do think I am bordering on it as I am getting very overwhelmed by the simple things i life and then putting off doing them rather than addressing them.
3. I am also going to go and buy a Bach Emotional Eating Kit. I know a lot of people don't think natural remedies work but I for one swear by them, having used them as a very reluctant teenager due to ME. I hated the idea and had to be manhandled into the room but it worked, despite my protests it wouldn't.                                                                                                                       The Bach Emotional Eating kit consists of 3 remedies which you can take alone of combine as you wish. They are meant to address times when you are doubting yourself, help you think more rationally, calm you down, learn from your experience and help you accept that you are not perfect. It is around £10.00 and I figure worth a go. I tried to get some in town this afternoon but my local store did not have any in so I will have to get some next week when in Leeds or something.

Between these I hope I can bring back some order to my life, get back to be organised, being on top of things and more importantly having time to actually do what I want instead of realising with an hour to spare I have wasted most of my day doing I am not sure, and then haven't got enough time to do anything.

Wish me luck!

Getting your groove back Tuesday

I am a little late with this post but I wanted to join in again as doing it last week really made me think about the things I was doing and whether they were really for me.

My problem is since having the kids my confidence is so low. I put this down to having always been a very lively, out going social butterfly and that outgoing butterfly got crushed as Little Man got older and older.

For those who don't read my blog Little Man has ADHD and aspergers and from about the age of 1, his behaviour left alot to be desired. No-one understood why he did what he did, least of all me, other parents wanted to shield their kids from the nasty one (and to be perfectly honest and I think one of the most heartbreaking things was I know I would of felt the same had it of been another child hurting my son), and gradually the invites to coffee, other people's houses and play dates dried up completely, and by the time we got to nursery and school, Little Man had a reputation and I was seen as the mother who didn't discipline, the mother who couldn't cope.

When Mini Man arrived he was a very sick baby (heart problems) and caught everything going, and I was very poorly after his birth and ended up with an emergency hysterectomy which quite frankly just finished me off and I quite rapidly plunged into some good old fashioned post natal depression. I was the type who hid it, my parents didn't realise, my husband a little but I always 'put a face on' and got on with life to the outside world but as soon as t'husband was out of the door to work, I was sat under the shower crying for half an hour wondering how I would get through the day. I struggled with keeping the counselling appointments they set up for me following the hysterectomy as I had no one to leave the kids with. No one wanted my eldest, and I think people shied away from the responsibility of looking after a sick baby. My parents and family lived over 200 miles away.

I coped by isolating myself, not taking myself to places where Little Man could get into trouble, we went to the park by ourselves, we went for walks by ourselves, and all in all this has had a massive knock on effect on my confidence. Even now Little Man is much better, and getting more out of life and even has friends, I seem to have lost the art of conversation, of being in a group. I just feel intimidated now, i think no-one wants to hear what I have to say. I often start talking and then realise the person has turned away and is talking to someone else and my sentence just trials off unfinished and no-one notices.

This I want to change, I want to enjoy life again, enjoy being with people and enjoy having a laugh and I think that needs to start with finding me again so this blog hop is so relevant and really makes me think about what I want to do.

I have been very fortunate this last week to of been away with work which inevitably meant alot of time to myself. I don't like being away from the boys, in fact I hate it but work is work at the end of the day and being away every few months for 4 nights to enable me to be there at the school gates every other day, be able to help out in school and do all the after school activities makes it worth while.

Normally when I am away I am very diligent and spend my evenings in my hotel room doing work, after all there's not much else to do.  This time though I worked one night, I bumped into some people who also provide me with regular work and when asked if I wanted to join them for dinner, I accepted instead of thinking I wouldn't have anything to say and it would be a nightmare and do you know - it was lovely, I enjoyed it, I drank far too much red wine and I got talked into trying reindeer (which was lovely by the way), and I even managed to contribute to some of the conversation instead of just sitting grinning like an uncomfortable baboon. I also managed to read a whole book and I can;t remember the last time I did that, and I took 2 hours off to walk round Stockholm and see the city I was in. So this last week I have really worked on some me time.  I also think going out to dinner with P and B has also given me a real confidence boost.

This week I am not sure what I am going to do 'for me' but I am going to do something and find some time.

Finally to answer Kate's questions:

What music is best to play while finding my groove? I don't think there is anything specific, I think I just need to play more music. Driving to the airport last week I stuck my CD player on and found McFly in there, good old cheesy music I can sing to and I turned it up LOUD and it was good and I sang he whole way and really enjoyed it. Driving home from the airport I stuck the Mama Mia sound track in and again had a good old sing song.

What can I do to make my body feel better this week?
Well last night I signed up for Closer Diets so I am hoping that will help and I also told t'husband last night that we are going to take it in turns to take te dog for a walk in the evenings or rather a run - we both need to get fitter and I figure if we do about 3km every other night each it will really help us and also give the dog the exercise he needs.

If you want to join in, pop over to Kate on thin ice and add your link x

Little Man and Mini Man Part 3

Just after we managed to get a referral over to CAMHS and CDC for Little Man I fell pregnant with baby number 2. The trying to get pregnant had been a long process, but we were there. My dates were very wrong, I had had a scan to find out why I was not conceiving and at the time was convinced I was pregnant, and was sure the scan would prove it. It didn't although she did say there was evidence of ovulation, but I was still suitably devastated, especially as my breasts were sore and I felt bloated. 3 weeks later, I felt fatter but then had the most horrendous period of my life.
Despite this though my clothes continued to get tight so I did a test and it was positive. At what I thought was 9 weeks pregnant, I saw the midwife, and she agreed I was further on or expecting multiples and sent me for a scan. It was a single one, but I was 15 weeks not 9 weeks. The bleed they put down to an attempted miscarriage or a possible twin, we will never know and we don't dwell on it. Considering my problems through pregnancy I suspect it was an attempted miscarriage.

At 25 weeks though I had another major bleed while away. The local hospital kept me in for 4 days telling me I was irresponsible to travel after a prem birth the first time, even though my consultant had said I was fine to stay at my parents for a week. They also refused to scan me which had me besides myself considering my last pregancy ended in placcental abruption and the baby being resuscitated. My own consultant was furious they hadn't done a scan and said it was financial and because I wasn't part of their trust. It turns out I had grade 4 placental previa, totally unrelated to my first pregnancies problems. Like to do things in style me!
From 25 week to 30 weeks I was on a roundabout of a few nights in hospital, then home, then back in, then home, then back in, you get the picture. All very disruptive, no family nearby so t'husband and our friend - Little Man's godmother dealt with Little Man and the childminder. Of course I hated being in hospital, I was beside myself over Little Man, and the fact childcare was such an issue. I was fortunate enough to have a very good manager who let me 'work from home' during this time, even though some of that meant working from the labour ward, so my wages still covered childcare but not 5 days a week. t'husband and godmother worked full time. My parents were still both working as well so couldnt come and stay being over 200 miles away.

At 30 weeks I had a very heavy bleed and was on delivery ready for surgery, but they kept monitoring every 15 minutes as they didn't want to deliver. The nurse specialing me said she could see the relief in both our faces at the thought of the baby being delivered, after all for us we had already had one of the same gestation and were more than aware of the highs and lows of a prem baby, and how different each could be. It wasn't meant to be and 18 hours later they decided I was no longer at risk, baby was happy so admitted me full time to hospital. There began the worst 4 weeks of my life, plus workwise I had to then go onto sick leave so I didnt even have work to keep me occupied.
I was so unhappy, I hated it. I was on the labour ward, got little sleep, sometimes went for 3 days with no visitors as t'husband didn't finish work until 6 and I wasnt in our local hospital so by the time he had got Little Man, and driven 20 miles against traffic, it was near Little Man's bedtime, and the poor little thing hadn't even eaten. Plus Little Man hated the hospital and would scream blue murder, to the extent there were occasions where t'husband and Little Man were at one end of the corridor and I was stood at the other end, waving to each other through doors as the staff wouldnt let t'husband bring Little Man through the antenatal ward to reach me, as he was so besides himself. Depending who was on that day would depend on if I was allowed off the labour ward. I was imprisoned. if there is such a thing as pre-natal depression, I had it. I also got quite resentful of the pregnancy, hated being pregnant and got to the stage of asking why we had bothered. The consultant decided I needed a pysch evaluation, I told him I didn;t need a pyschologist to tell me I was depressed and miserable at being lonely, being confined to a bed, seeing my little boy once or twice a week for about 30 minutes and scared stupid I was going to haemaorragh again and end up in the same situation as Little Man. When I said 'just get this baby out of me' I think he realised I had had enough and agreed to deliver at 34 weeks.
The night before my section, he came to see us to explain the risks pof grade 4 placental previa, and to say he wouldnt recommend another pregnancy as my body hadn't done so well. He offered to tie my tubes. We couldnt make that decision there and then and asked if we could decide in the morning. We didnt even really need to discuss it and both felt nature should take its course, if a 3rd was meant to be, it would happen and we would cope with whatever was thrown at us.
9.39 the next morning and Mini Man made his appearance out of the sunroof again. I have no recollection of it even though I was awake as I crashed and started phasing in and out of consciousness. Mini Man was a good weight at 4lb 9 but he was taken off to SCBU and put on CPAP.

Around lunchtime proud dad left us to go and show photos off. About an hour later he was called back. He said when you hear the words 'can you come back to the hospital please, don't worry or rush but come back to the ward your wife is on' you know its something not good. I wasnt good and they couldnt stop me bleeding, again I was phasing in and out of consciousness and he only just got to me before I was rushed into surgery. I guess nature did take its course as the only option they had was a hyserectomy. I spent 3 days in ICU, had 14 blood transfusions and didnt get to see Mini Man until he was 3 days old. Bonding was a problem and it wasnt unitl his incubator neighbour, a 31 weeker who was the son of a fellow inmate patient with me, was taken very poorly one night and only given a 25% of pulling through that I got the jolt I needed, although it was still a long process. By the way the little boy did pull through, although he spent the first year of his life in hospital and had many, many scares.

At a week old Mini Man was diagnosed with a large ventricular spetal defect and declared in heart failure and put on diuretics and steroids. They hoped with careful monitoring and drugs they could avoid the need for surgery.

Within 16 days of his birth we were both home. At 3 weeks Mini Man was labelled failure to thrive, taken off my breast milk, I was told to stop feeding him as I wasnt well enough, and he was put on high calorie milk, and then we started trying to settle into some semblance of a routine and normal life. All in all though the whole pregnancy had had a large impact on our lives and especially that of our Little Man.