A to Z blogging Challenge - C is for......

C is for Coping and Challenges!

ADHD and autism have brought with it difficult times, finding methods to cope and over come challenges.

We always knew deep down something wasn't quite right with Little Man - but that day someone actually said it, I suddenly realised I needed to learn coping mechanisms.

To hear the words that your 3 year old 'may have learning difficulties and is showing autistic traits' is devastating. I walked across that playground and didn't even bother to control the tears, I then sat for about an hour in the car crying picturing the lovely trolley collector at our local Sainsbury's who you heard people talking about and saying how well he was doing, they had heard he was living independently, had a job etc. At that point in time, in my mind, that was my son's future.

But you cope, you overcome the challenges, you seek help from places like CAMHS (Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services), the Child Development Centre, the doctor, his consultant. You try and see all positives - mine were:

• As a premature baby he was still under a consultant - a foot in the right door for help
• As a premature baby who we nearly lost more than once to be on the autistic spectrum with mild learning difficulties was actually pretty good going when you consider what could have been
• As a scientist, I at least understand, have databases of medical journals at my finger tips and lots of friends in the medical field, I was going to bang on as many doors as possible.

You cope, you have to and you amaze yourself just how you can adapt and overcome all challenges you face.

My Little Man amazes me day in and day out, and I couldn't be more proud of the beautiful, sweet natured, caring boy he is growing into.

A-Z Blogging Challenge B is for ......

B is for Behaviour

Definition in the Oxford Dictionary - the way in which one acts or conducts oneself, especially towards others

Behaviour is something that is paramount in children with ADHD and/or ASD.

Children with ADHD find it hard to control their behaviour and/or pay attention. An ADHD child will act without thinking, can display hyperactivity, and have trouble focusing and concentrating.

The expression 'live for the moment' sums my Little Man up totally. He has no thought process about what he is going to do, he thinks it and does it in the same moment. There are no 4 seconds between the thought and the action or 4 seconds after. He simply lives in the moment. After he has done something he can give you every reason under the sun why he shouldn't have done, or why it may have been dangerous, he completely understands, however, he does not have the thought processes to think about doing something, then think of the consequences, and then act. His brain is wired differently to ours.

Children on the autistic spectrum can display some challenging behaviours due to changes in routine, being over sensitive or under sensitive, being very tactile and needing to touch or place inedible objects in their mouth, hand flapping or simply having what appear to be tantrums through sheer frustration or violent behaviour.

Living with a child with one, or the other or both can be very challenging.

Many of the behaviours displayed though are a normal process of growing up, toddlers go through many stages, so at what stage do the alarm bells ring and you think 'actually this is not normal'?

A diagnosis of ADHD requires the following:
• the behaviour is demonstrated to a degree that is more severe than other kids the same age
• the behaviour appears before the age of seven
• the behaviour continues for at least six months
• the behaviour creates problems in at least two area's of life: home, school, daycare, playground

For us we knew from a very early age, at a year old, I was mortified when I collected Little Man from the childminder to be told he had taken to biting. She was very calm about it and reassured me it was normal and he was just discovering things and it would soon pass. It didn't. He didn't seem to understand being told off, he had no comprehension. From biting he moved to hair pulling, then pinching, then spitting, you name it, at some point he has had it in his repertoire. He could have almighty melt downs over seemingly small things - roadworks leading to a diversion - that took us about a week to work out, change in place at the table to eat, holidays. He was very tactile, he would start to stroke strangers hairs, anybodies hair. He would dive into buggies to kiss babies, he couldn't just sit next to you but had to be almost sitting on top of you. Despite all this, he is a very serious little boy, with a lovely sense of humour and one of the most loving, caring little men you could wish to know.

Behaviour has been hard, we are coming out the other side (for now) at the age of 9, he is learning boundaries, albeit slowly but he is learning. Over - learning is the key to everything!

A-Z Challenge A is for......

A is for ADHD

Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD)

www.ADHD.org.nz

There are still some schools of thought that ADHD is a myth, an excuse for poor parenting/bad behaviour/, and as a parent of an ADHD child I have come across many other parents who don’t see it as a real condition and have had to hear muttered comments such as ‘nothing a bit of discipline wouldn’t sort out’, ‘a good smacked bum would help’, ‘perhaps if she (meaning me) didn’t work, he would be better behaved’ and many more.

I am not disputing the fact that today we see many, many more cases than we did say 20 years ago, but is that to do with knowledge and better diagnosis? In the 1960’s ADHD was known as Minimal Brain Dysfunction, in the 1970’s conditions didn’t have names – my husband himself lasted 3 weeks in his reception class before my in-laws were told the school couldn’t cope with him and he spent a few years at a ‘special’ school before returning to mainstream – he has never had a diagnosis of ADHD, but I would bet my bottom dollar on him still being diagnosed as a 40 year old. It does go to show however it needn’t affect your life – my husband has a successful career and a degree before that.

Like many parents living with a child with ADHD or one who they know is not neurotypical but no-one will listen, we have suffered extreme frustration in trying to make people understand ADHD, being told by doctors it is bad parenting, bad behaviour, the terrible twos, then the terrible threes, home circumstances, or starting nursery etc, they always find a reason but as a parent you know, trust me, you know when your child is not behaving as his peers.

ADHD is infact a biological condition caused by an imbalance of the chemicals in the brain’s neurotransmitters. It affects the frontal lobes of the brain which is where impulsive behaviour control is. It is hereditary and long term, although symptoms do modify with age.

There are three main forms of ADHD:

1. Overactive and impulsive (hyperactive)
2. Inattentive
3. Combined

ADHD can have a huge impact on not only the child’s life but also that of the family. Both our son and us as a family have been ostracised by others as no-one wanted to understand or get to know us. Our son is currently 9, and can hold his own in a conversation and has a firm comprehension of things around him and subjects. On paper however, he is functioning at the level of about a 6 year old with reading, writing and maths as he struggles to concentrate long enough to learn. He is an intelligent little boy but sadly he needs someone to continually bring him back to focus and the lack of resources and the lack of recognition of ADHD as a disability means he gets little support.

Symptoms can be difficult to recognise as ADHD often overlaps with other conditions such as conduct disorder, obsessive disorders, anxiety, dyspraxia and autism – which also affects our son. Social interaction and ability to maintain friends can be impaired.

ADHD is hard for any family to live with and a greater understanding and recognition of the condition would go a long way to improve the lives of anyone affected by it.

I also wanted to add a huge thank to ARLEE BIRD who started this blogging challenge and allowed do many of us to connect so THANK YOU!

What I have written here are my views and my experiences and understanding as a parent, although I do not deny having read many books, magazine articles and trawled the internet gathering information over the years. 

The last day before the A-Z challenge

Once again I have decided to participate in the A-Z Blogging Challenge which takes place every April. I need something to get me back into regular blogging and this is perfect.

I took part last year and really enjoyed it, and to be honest didn't find it that hard to commit to doing a post each day, I found myself walking around writing them in my head which actually made doing the post much, much easier.

Its good fun, it is a great way to meet new bloggers, and read a huge variety of subjects. This year there are even catagories you can decide on and themes for your posts, or you can just blog - I have decided to the latter. I do have in mind that I may focus mine all round one subject, however, it doesnt fall within the catagories given and at this stage I don't want to commit myself to blogging about one subject only incase I don't.

So pop over and see for yourself what it is all about and take part, it really is good fun

A late Frugal Friday post

I am a little late with my weekly Frugal Friday post - mainly due to LOTS of work on at the moment and the school holidays, meaning I am having to devote every minute of spare time to trying to get a presentation of 300 slides done by Wednesday am around times when the kids and t-husband are asleep as the latter is off work and is on one of his 'Lets go off and do something everyday, I am on holiday' modes.

So this last week, even though we are now into Easter holiday, I have still been trying to cut back and spend less.

1. I heard on the local radio that they had some 50% off vouchers at various local attractions so I popped on-line to their website and bought a voucher for The Deep aquarium over in Hull costing me £17.00 instead of the usual £35.00 for a family of 4
2. We went to The Deep on Friday and had a fab day out. I took a picnic with us so we didn't spend any money on food while out, or need to buy any drinks (although t-husband and I did succumb to a coffee near the end of the day), and we had a really great day. We avoided the gift shop, instead heading out the doors closest to the big shark which attracted the boys as they wanted photos with it and the gift shop was forgotten. I will probably do a separate post on The Deep as it really is a great place to take the kids, and a day we thoroughly enjoyed as a family.
3. Last week I did my weekly shop in Sainsburys and kept the receipt. This week I went to Asda, and tried to stick to the same list. Where I didn't need things on it I tried to note the price in Asda on the receipt, and also noted everything extra I needed on the bottom. When home I entered it all onto a spreadsheet, yes you read that right, I did a spreadsheet. For the same items on my weekly shop, I spent £54.80 in Sainsburys and £48.45 in Asda. Next week I plan to take said spreadsheet with me and do my shop in Morrisons, and then the following week Tesco and do my own comparison! Getting really anal in my old age.
4. Today we are planning a long walk to my parents through the Valley Gardens in Harrogate. There is an Easter fair on in the grounds, and it also means the boys will have a 3 mile run before having to sit at Grannie and Grandad's for an Easter meal, but again this will be a lovely day and needn't cost us anything.
5. I did my first bit of up-cycling, we are in the middle of decorating the boys room and want to move their bunk beds out from the wall by 6 inches to put a shelf system at the side of their beds flush with the height of their mattress so they can both have some storage space and a light etc. My Dad priced up the wood which we want to match the bunk beds, and it comes out at about £80.00 which is more than we wanted to spend. I was rummaging through our downstairs toilet dumping ground and saw our old Ikea Billy DVD tower in there still waiting for us to do something with it. Tipped on its side it is the perfect length of the bunk beds, one shelf in the middle separate its and it will now provide a double shelf the right width for one of the bunk beds - as we also still have all the little pieces that would normally make the shelves for the DVDs, Dad can use these as ends and a separator for the 2nd one he will build which has more than halved our cost down to £30.00 so I am very impressed with myself.
6. Final one is the usual where I am using alot more left overs and what I have in the cupboards and there is less waste.

As usual, if anyone has any idea or advice, please let me know as we need to learn to cut back and be more frugal.

Frugal Friday

last week I decided I was going to do a weekly post on how I was doing with trying to cut back and budget, hence Frugal Friday.

I am always open to advice and tips so please do share, I feel I have much to learn!

I set of well last week trying new things like meal planning and on-line shopping and taking a set amount of money out for the week to cover shopping and everything else.  I got on both well and not well.

1. The on-line shop was a bit of a disaster. I planned my meals and felt I was only buying what I needed and yes my cupboards are emptier however I spent over £100 which is more than I do if I walk round the supermarket. I think this was because I used supermarket.com and started with Asda but then Sainsburys was £2.00 cheaper, and I had a £15.00 on-line shopping voucher off, so once my list was complete, I swapped supermarket. This was a downfall I think as the substitutes were not ideal or even the best ones, when the shop was delivered I had 4 lettuces, 3 bags of pretzels and various other things which I couldn't work out, I assume I got a bit click happy and didn't realise. I also got a few things with a sell by date of the next day when I ideally was planning to use it at the end of the week, and then other minor issues my butternut squash was tiny, the melons were ready to eat that days so by today were mushy, my salad croutons were substituted with onion bahjis - yes really!
2. This week I have been and done my shop in Sainsburys, this was only because I needed to get a present to put in the post for my friends daughters birthday and I know Sainsburys does nice clothes and good toys and I also knew they had a 25% off offer on as well. I still managed to spend £80.00 on food which was annoying as I had in my head I didn't want to go over £65.00 but it was all stuff we will use, I didn't buy anything 'just because it was on offer' or because 'I fancied it'. Next week I am going to take the receipt to Morrison's and do a price comparison as I walk round and note down their prices next to the Sainsburys ones and see what the difference is. I will then do the same the following week with Asda and then might try an on-line shop again.
3. Meal planning as mentioned went well, I liked the fact I knew each day what I was doing, it was a lot more time efficient to tell the truth, and I feel I used my left overs much better, so felt much savvier (is that a word or spelt right?).
4. When I ran out of bread and milk, I either got it from the local shop or only took a couple of £ to the supermarket with me so I had no choice but to get what I had gone for and not add things to my basket. I also didn't allow myself anywhere near the clothes or shoes!!
5. t'husband has a bad habit of insisting we all go to town at 11.30 on a Saturday morning and by the time we get there, both boys are hungry and we end up spending money on food, this time I took sandwiches and made them eat them in the car, then I refused just to wonder aimlessly round town, instead going in for what we needed and then leaving.
6. I am trying really hard to make sure nothing is left plugged in like mobile phone chargers etc and putting the wood burner on to heat the house rather than letting the temperature drop so the heating is constantly clicking on and off
7. I took advantage of some half price days out offers on the local radio website and bought one for a family which is valid until June 30th so I am quite chuffed with that.

So we are getting there I think!

How am I getting on - Highs and Lows of 2012

At the end of 2012 Kate over at NakedMum set a post called 'The High's and lows' and asked everyone to write a post about their past year. I did this, but the other day I saw someone (sorry cant remember who) had been back and reviewed her post and assessed how she was doing, which prompted me to do the same. I had forgotten some of what I had written and it was an interesting read and i felt it would be helpful to do the same and do a review.

I have re-posted it wit questions 12 first as this asked what you would like to change in 2012


12. Tell us three things you would like to change about your life in 2013.

1. I would like to much more confident, not feel bullied at times, and stand up for myself alot more This is still very much a work in progress and something I really need to do
2. I would like my boys and OH to do more to help and to stop waiting on them hand and foot (most of which is my own fault as I find it easier to tidy up after them all but that needs to stop) Working on this, the boys now have charts where they lose game time if they don't complete a certain number of tasks per day such as making their bed, putting their pjs in their beds, hanging clothes up, tidying up, dirty clothes in linen basket, hanging towels up etc, its working for them but not for hubby - yet!
3. I would like to be much more time efficient, especially with work. I write a blog post, then start reading other blogs and suddenly realise I have lost a whole mornings work, then spend 2 hours panicking and trying to make time up before school pick up and doing a sloppy job, or I play stupid addictive games on my phone, it beeps with a message, I read the message and then feel the need to have 'just 3' games of something but then its just one more, oh just one more again, I'll just wait until I score over 100,000 etc. It has to stop. My lack of blogging has dealt with this but I am now much more time conscious and much better at sticking to my work and doing a better job
4. I want to look after myself more - earlier nights, less alcohol, better diet and to shift the last half stone. Although I don't have as many early nights as I would like I am more often than not in bed around 11 now rather than midnight, I have cut the alcohol down and my diet is much better so going well on this one
5. I am desperate to stop being late places, I am always late and disorganised. Everyone calls me dizzy and dozy and disorganised which is so true (hard to believe I am a successful project manager in my line of work and can organise a meeting for over 1000 people with no hassles!). Although I tell myself it is part of my charm, it needs to change as it stresses me. This is a constant battle, my problem is I plan ahead, see we are doing well for time or early so start something and then we are late
6. I want to have friends - sounds odd as I do have friends but not close ones, not like I use to. My 2 best friends from childhood live close by but 1 is very different to me, never left her home town, a real homebody (and don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with that) but she is very safe and sensible and although we see each other most days at school, sometimes run together or go for dog walks etc, its not that total understanding each others humour relationship, plus our husbands don't really get on, they have never said as much and tolerate each other but you know you can just tell these things. My other close friend who is more like a sister and is as close as one lives on the other side of town. We have a wine and cooking together night once a month and chew the fat and I love it but I want a close friend to giggle with, to pop round to and have coffee and see more of. One who comes and spends an evening with a bottle of wine at ours or we go to theirs - one that involves me and my husband. We seem to have lost most of those friends which I miss. Friends I get on well with, the husbands don't seem to connect. I think this one relates to the first part and is to do with confidence. I use to love going out, could hold my own and easily made new friends. I now feel boring, I now feel people switch off and I am just really serious and have forgotten how to just have a laugh, all my conversation seems to be deep or boring or long winded so not doing well on this one
7. To stop feeling so insecure - I want to be invited to social events and not find out they have happened after the event and that we weren't there and not know why. I want to have a summer BBQ like I tried to last year and not be left with only 2 people and my brother and his wife coming by the actual morning as everyone lets us down. See above!
8. To have a bit more me time so I can do my blogging without worrying about work, and to get back into my family tree which has been abandoned for the last 2 years. I am trying to make more time for me and although haven't done much, I have started looking into my family history a little more
9. To be happy and stop caring and worrying so much. 

OK so I know that was 9 things and not 3 but I want to set myself some challenges


1.What was your happiest event?

Two things which I am selfishly going to make my own events. 1). Completing a half marathon which was a real challenge for someone who has never been able to run and 2). Having the guts to have my photos taken naked!

2. What was the saddest thing to happen?

Realising I wasn't happy in my marriage -

3. What was the most unlikely thing to happen that actually went ahead and did?

See the first question and answer! Running a half marathon and taking my kit off (not while running the half marathon I hasten to add!).

4. Who let you down?

My closest friend who hurt me more than I thought possible and although I can forgive, it is not as easy to forget

5. Who supported you?
Close friends and family by just being there - they didn't realise as I didn't discuss any of my problems but they still helped by being there and the blogging, especially Groovy Mum's and Reasons to be Cheerful

6. Tell us one thing you learned

That there is nothing wrong in admitting you need help, it is not a sign of weakness and is in fact a sign of strength

7. Tell us one thing that made you laugh

My best friends hen weekend - in fact when my cheekbones were hurting from laughing I realised just how miserable I had been!

8. Tell us one thing that made you cry

Admitting my relationship was in trouble

9. Tell us three things your child or children did to make you feel proud.

1. The 2 boys just being here. They are both such happy little men, yet have both overcome so much in their short lives. Little Man overcame brain haemorrhage's and breathing difficulties at birth, is now one of the tallest in his class - not bad for a tiny 2lb 9oz baby whose leg was thinner than my Dad's thumb, went into Great Ormond St ICU on life support desperately ill at 8 weeks old with us being told it was touch and go and then he would come home on oxygen and be dogged by a weak chest and numerous problems, to a week later being transferred back to our local hospital with our little fighter on no oxygen, feeding like the world was ending and in 9 years he has not had one chest infection since. He overcomes everything with a smile, he is such a happy, gorgeous boy. Mini man also astounds me daily. Born with a heart condition which had him in heart failure for 14 months and was deemed 'failure to thrive', he dodged open heart surgery 3 times, was on daily steroids, diuretics, reflux meds, and a daily antibiotics due to continued chest infections and ear infections to now being as strong as an ox, a very happy, go Lucky little character who lights up a room with his personality. They both astound me daily.
2. Little Man has worked really hard at his reading. He is struggling in school, but never complains, and puts his all into his work. His reading is so much better now. He also found the confidence to say 2 lines in the school play in front of 100's of people, something we never thought we would see.
3. Mini Man going into Year 1 and suddenly buckling down, and coming on in leaps and bounds.

10. Tell us one thing that made you proud of yourself.

Apart of the 2 things I mentioned in the first question (did I mention I was proud of running my half marathon and having a boudoir shoot!?), I am also very proud that I over came my pride and faced the problems my marriage was having and dealt with them. I made some major decisions which I believe were the right ones, not just for me but for the family, and I guess only time will tell if they were the right ones, but feeling so much happier and more positive makes me feel, if they weren't right, to then make the right ones in the future may be easier.

11. Tell us one challenge you overcame

My pride