The High's and Low's of 2012
- I have found me again
- The biggest high I faced was the fact my marriage was not perfect, sought help and realised the past 9 years have thrown more challenges at us than most people face in a life time and they have taken their toll - we are in fact only human. I have faced those problems, got help and am feeling like a different person.
- I have found a bit of the old sparkle we had in our marriage.
- My boys amaze me daily and are the reason I have made some of the decisions I have.
- My self assessment tax bill took my breath away but is a reflection of how well the self employment is going.
- The countries I have had the opportunities to visit with work - Austria, Milan, Rome, Madrid, Germany, Holland and more.
- Doing a boudoir shoot is the ultimate way to gain confidence and a personal achievement as body confidence is not my thing.
- Running my first half marathon round Edinburgh and completing it in 2 hours 35 minutes and keeping the running up
There have been too many and to be fair are they better left in 2012? Many are the opposite of the high's for example my marriage reaching a point neither of us ever thought we'd see, being hurt beyond anything I have ever experienced, struggling with both work and home life, having to seek help, realising I wasn't coping as well as I thought etc. I could go on but as I am setting out to start 2013 in a positive fashion, I am not going to dwell and highlight the low's as this post has taken 2 days now to compose and some of the reason was I hit a bit of a downer after thinking about them, making unwanted thoughts, feelings and doubts resurface.
Kate also answered a set of questions which I will attempt here:
1.What was your happiest event?
Two things which I am selfishly going to make my own events. 1). Completing a half marathon which was a real challenge for someone who has never been able to run and 2). Having the guts to have my photos taken naked!
2. What was the saddest thing to happen?
Realising I wasn't happy in my marriage
3. What was the most unlikely thing to happen that actually went ahead and did?
See the first question and answer! Running a half marathon and taking my kit off (not while running the half marathon I hasten to add!).
4. Who let you down?
My closest friend who hurt me more than I thought possible and although I can forgive, it is not as easy to forget
5. Who supported you?
Close friends and family by just being there - they didn't realise as I didn't discuss any of my problems but they still helped by being there and the blogging, especially Groovy Mum's and Reasons to be Cheerful
6. Tell us one thing you learned
That there is nothing wrong in admitting you need help, it is not a sign of weakness and is in fact a sign of strength
7. Tell us one thing that made you laugh
My best friends hen weekend - in fact when my cheekbones were hurting from laughing I realised just how miserable I had been!
8. Tell us one thing that made you cry
Admitting my relationship was in trouble
9. Tell us three things your child or children did to make you feel proud.
- The 2 boys just being here. They are both such happy little men, yet have both overcome so much in their short lives. Little Man overcame brain haemorrhage's and breathing difficulties at birth, is now one of the tallest in his class - not bad for a tiny 2lb 9oz baby whose leg was thinner than my Dad's thumb, went into Great Ormond St ICU on life support desperately ill at 8 weeks old with us being told it was touch and go and then he would come home on oxygen and be dogged by a weak chest and numerous problems, to a week later being transferred back to our local hospital with our little fighter on no oxygen, feeding like the world was ending and in 9 years he has not had one chest infection since. He overcomes everything with a smile, he is such a happy, gorgeous boy. Mini man also astounds me daily. Born with a heart condition which had him in heart failure for 14 months and was deemed 'failure to thrive', he dodged open heart surgery 3 times, was on daily steroids, diuretics, reflux meds, and a daily antibiotics due to continued chest infections and ear infections to now being as strong as an ox, a very happy, go Lucky little character who lights up a room with his personality. They both astound me daily.
- Little Man has worked really hard at his reading. He is struggling in school, but never complains, and puts his all into his work. His reading is so much better now. He also found the confidence to say 2 lines in the school play in front of 100's of people, something we never thought we would see.
- Mini Man going into Year 1 and suddenly buckling down, and coming on in leaps and bounds.
Apart of the 2 things I mentioned in the first question (did I mention I was proud of running my half marathon and having a boudoir shoot!?), I am also very proud that I over came my pride and faced the problems my marriage was having and dealt with them. I made some major decisions which I believe were the right ones, not just for me but for the family, and I guess only time will tell if they were the right ones, but feeling so much happier and more positive makes me feel, if they weren't right, to then make the right ones in the future may be easier.
11. Tell us one challenge you overcame
12. Tell us three things you would like to change about your life in 2013.
- I would like to much more confident, not feel bullied at times, and stand up for myself alot more
- I would like my boys and OH to do more to help and to stop waiting on them hand and foot (most of which is my own fault as I find it easier to tidy up after them all but that needs to stop)
- I would like to be much more time efficient, especially with work. I write a blog post, then start reading other blogs and suddenly realise I have lost a whole mornings work, then spend 2 hours panicking and trying to make time up before school pick up and doing a sloppy job, or I play stupid addictive games on my phone, it beeps with a message, I read the message and then feel the need to have 'just 3' games of something but then its just one more, oh just one more again, I'll just wait until I score over 100,000 etc. It has to stop.
- I want to look after myself more - earlier nights, less alcohol, better diet and to shift the last half stone.
- I am desperate to stop being late places, I am always late and disorganised. Everyone calls me dizzy and dozy and disorganised which is so true (hard to believe I am a successful project manager in my line of work and can organise a meeting for over 1000 people with no hassles!). Although I tell myself it is part of my charm, it needs to change as it stresses me.
- I want to have friends - sounds odd as I do have friends but not close ones, not like I use to. My 2 best friends from childhood live close by but 1 is very different to me, never left her home town, a real homebody (and don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with that) but she is very safe and sensible and although we see each other most days at school, sometimes run together or go for dog walks etc, its not that total understanding each other's humour relationship, plus our husbands don't really get on, they have never said as much and tolerate each other but you know you can just tell these things. My other close friend who is more like a sister and is as close as one lives on the other side of town. We have a wine and cooking together night once a month and chew the fat and I love it but I want a close friend to giggle with, to pop round to and have coffee and see more of. One who comes and spends an evening with a bottle of wine at ours or we go to theirs - one that involves me and my husband. We seem to have lost most of those friends which I miss. Friends I get on well with, the husbands don't seem to connect.
- To stop feeling so insecure - I want to be invited to social events and not find out they have happened after the event and that we weren't there and not know why. I want to have a summer BBQ like I tried to last year and not be left with only 2 people and my brother and his wife coming by the actual morning as everyone lets us down.
- To have a bit more me time so I can do my blogging without worrying about work, and to get back into my family tree which has been abandoned for the last 2 years.
- To be happy and stop caring and worrying so much.