I am totally snowed under with work and have about 3 days worth of work to complete before 3.00 today, argggghhhh which is why posts a few and far between at the moment.
I have recently felt very let down and betrayed by certain people in my life and it has been devastating. It is not the first time I have been in this position and as a result I feel I have handled it much better. I did have over a week of complete self pity, blaming myself, eating like a pig etc but I have pulled myself out of that.
Last time I found almost pretending it never happened helped but that took nearly a year to reach that stage. This time I seem to have reached it in a matter of weeks and whether it is a good thing to do or not only a matter of time will tell. The danger is the people involved are going to think they can keep hurting me and I will just stand by like some weak minded idiot and keep coming back for more.
The thing is that is how I feel at the moment, by just getting on with it, I don't feel like the people involved are seeing the hurt that is going on inside me, but it is complicated, I can't just walk away. It is really tearing me apart that I can't talk to anyone about it either - I don't think anyone would understand, or understand my reasons for getting on with things. I fear people would lose respect for me. At the moment I don't feel particularly good about myself - weak minded, pathetic, a pushover, an idiot, very confused and the list could do on. But I am going off on a tangent here and didn't intend to.
The point is the last month or so has been very, very tough for me and where I was really beginning to feel better about myself, I have been beaten down and stamped on. However as I said last week 'don't let the bastards grind you down' and I bloody wont and I have had a really brilliant week.
I had a surprise 40th birthday party planned for my husband on Saturday which I couldn't blog about as I suspect he has found my blog and has a read now and again. I have changed my blog twice due to thinking this in the past - I was really gutted about the first time as I loved the name of my blog then but this is my private place and the only secret I have ever had from him, and I did want it to stay that way. When I first thought I had been rumbled, I closed the blog and started a new one. I then think it happened again and did the same. This time, well I can't be bothered. If you are reading, I just want a bit of respect not to read it, not that it says anything much, it really is just ramblings.
Anyhow the party has been in the planning a long time - I managed to get friends from all over the country coming. The last week has been hectic as the plans changed from meeting at the restaurant and surprising him to friends wanting to see him but not having babysitters or still feeding their baby so not able to leave the baby etc, so it was then decided we would start at our house for pre-dinner drinks to accommodate everyone and those not able to come to the restaurant could make it as well.
The house was like a building site last weekend but in a week we have managed to lay laminate flooring all downstairs and wallpaper the landing and start painting. In an ideal world I wanted the hall, stairs and landing finished but despite staying up wallpapering to 3.30am one morning, and too many 5am starts to try and get the house ship shape, it didn't happen and I got to the stage of not caring! Its a work in progress. we also had new carpet laid last week.
Everything went really well, t'husband didn't suspect a thing, lots of old friends came, some who we haven't seen for years so that put me on an instant high, lots of alcohol and good food at a lovely Thai restaurant.
On the work front I have been asked for an interview for home based permanent part time work which would work very well if they are happy for me still to freelance, so very happy about this chance. Plus the freelance work has gone manic again which is great news after 2 quiet months, always the way when I was so busy with the house last week, and suddenly was also trying to squeeze in teleconferences and constant email traffic and deadlines.
On Kate's tasks for this week, I have not done so well. Poetry is not a strong point for me, although I wonder if reading my very old book of Roald Dahl's Revolting Rhymes to my boys would count? We all had a good giggle over them. The dancing as well - I am not a big dancer but I do enjoy a good dance round the kitchen again with the boys which normally results in us all rolling on the floor and tickling them. T'husband also got given a very funny birthday dance by the Thai restaurant staff which involved a male waiter in a pair of bright pink sunglasses grooving round the tables, and other staff banging drums and gongs and all of them singing a lively version of Happy Birthday! Think that might count!