Monday, 21 November 2011

Grooving mum's week 8 I think

I am totally snowed under with work and have about 3 days worth of work to complete before 3.00 today, argggghhhh which is why posts a few and far between at the moment.

I have recently felt very let down and betrayed by certain people in my life and it has been devastating. It is not the first time I have been in this position and as a result I feel I have handled it much better. I did have over a week of complete self pity, blaming myself, eating like a pig etc but I have pulled myself out of that.

Last time I found almost pretending it never happened helped but that took nearly a year to reach that stage. This time I seem to have reached it in a matter of weeks and whether it is a good thing to do or not only a matter of time will tell. The danger is the people involved are going to think they can keep hurting me and I will just stand by like some weak minded idiot and keep coming back for more.

The thing is that is how I feel at the moment, by just getting on with it, I don't feel like the people involved are seeing the hurt that is going on inside me, but it is complicated, I can't just walk away.  It is really tearing me apart that I can't talk to anyone about it either - I don't think anyone would understand, or understand my reasons for getting on with things. I fear people would lose respect for me. At the moment I don't feel particularly good about myself - weak minded, pathetic, a pushover, an idiot, very confused and the list could do on. But I am going off on a tangent here and didn't intend to.

The point is the last month or so has been very, very tough for me and where I was really beginning to feel better about myself, I have been beaten down and stamped on. However as I said last week 'don't let the bastards grind you down' and I bloody wont and I have had a really brilliant week.

I had a surprise 40th birthday party planned for my husband on Saturday which I couldn't blog about as I suspect he has found my blog and has a read now and again. I have changed my blog twice due to thinking this in the past - I was really gutted about the first time as I loved the name of my blog then but this is my private place and the only secret I have ever had from him, and I did want it to stay that way. When I first thought I had been rumbled, I closed the blog and started a new one. I then think it happened again and did the same. This time, well I can't be bothered. If you are reading, I just want a bit of respect not to read it, not that it says anything much, it really is just ramblings.

Anyhow the party has been in the planning a long time - I managed to get friends from all over the country coming. The last week has been hectic as the plans changed from meeting at the restaurant and surprising him to friends wanting to see him but not having babysitters or still feeding their baby so not able to leave the baby etc, so it was then decided we would start at our house for pre-dinner drinks to accommodate everyone and those not able to come to the restaurant could make it as well.

The house was like a building site last weekend but in a week we have managed to lay laminate flooring all downstairs and wallpaper the landing and start painting. In an ideal world I wanted the hall, stairs and landing finished but despite staying up wallpapering to 3.30am one morning, and too many 5am starts to try and get the house ship shape, it didn't happen and I got to the stage of not caring! Its a work in progress. we also had new carpet laid last week.

Everything went really well, t'husband didn't suspect a thing, lots of old friends came, some who we haven't seen for years so that put me on an instant high, lots of alcohol and good food at a lovely Thai restaurant.

On the work front I have been asked for an interview for home based permanent part time work which would work very well if they are happy for me still to freelance, so very happy about this chance. Plus the freelance work has gone manic again which is great news after 2 quiet months, always the way when I was so busy with the house last week, and suddenly was also trying to squeeze in teleconferences and constant email traffic and deadlines.

On Kate's tasks for this week, I have not done so well. Poetry is not a strong point for me, although I wonder if reading my very old book of Roald Dahl's Revolting Rhymes to my boys would count? We all had a good giggle over them. The dancing as well -  I am not a big dancer but I do enjoy a good dance round the kitchen again with the boys which normally results in us all rolling on the floor and tickling them. T'husband also got given a very funny birthday dance by the Thai restaurant staff which involved a male waiter in a pair of bright pink sunglasses grooving round the tables, and other staff banging drums and gongs and all of them singing a lively version of Happy Birthday! Think that might count!


Sarah Mac said...

Sounds like you have had such a lot on your plate RP.

I really hope that if your husband has found your blog that he will respect your right to have a place of your own.

I can understand the curiosity but sometimes we all need a safe place just for us.

I think being able to move on relatively quickly despite what may have happened shows strength and it also shows that you have learned from the past. You know that dwelling and tormenting yourself with things you cant change just damages you more so well done for recognising that. It's a good thing for you and your family NOT a weakness!

Mixed in with all of that are some real positives. Friends, fun and family and of course in the making, a beautiful new home.

Hang on to the good stuff, let go of the bad and be happy. You deserve it x

Mums-the-word said...

The tasks are ideas and if they don't suit you that is fine. Individuals get their groove back in their own way. You have a lot on your plate and well done you when struggling in various ways to put your heart and soul into giving your husband and others a good time. I like you ideas for poetry and dance too. I do wish you had someone to talk to about what is going on. I too feel very isolated with a situation (family one) although I do use my blog to write out my feelings on that one occasionally. People care, well I do for one. You are a very valued member of the #groovingmums club

Theramblingpages said...

Thank you x

Theramblingpages said...

Thank you to you too, x

Glasgow_mummy said...

It all sounds a bit difficult for you just now and I really feel for you. I'm having a tough time too and feel like a pushover & weak a lot of the time. My new catchphrase was supposed to be "thou will not take s***" but I've already failed on that this week. I hope things get better for you.

Suz1Pete said...

I've found reading my blog to hubby has been very beneficial, enduring I raise the subject of how emigrating has affected me with the loss of work, study and friends he gets defensive and we end up arguing. I've found it easier to communicate what I'm trying to say about how I feel without him feeling hes to blame with the written word, he shows little interest in my twitter account, but I've shown him how it works so if he does go on there he can see how to follow a conversation rather than read one tweet out of context, however I've had issues with family when they've checked up on me on twitter and haven't respected my right to my beliefs and its caused rows. I've opened my blog to my sister who thinks I have a fantastic, wonderful life and doesn't think I should have anything to complain about compared to her life, but its all relative to the individual.
I refuse to defend what I right our tweet any more and those that don't like it can sod off.

Chickenruby said...

Btw its me

Suz1Pete said...

Try again ffs chickenruby

Older Mum said...

Sounds like you have been having a tough time of it! Stay brave and true to yourself. Don't put pressure on yourself re Groovingmums - the point is that you are aware of all your experiences - good and bad - so that it brings you closer to yourself again, if that makes sense. Anyway it sounds like you have been doing tonnes of stuff on your house!