Red Nose Day - mum of the year - NOT!

I have known all week that today was red nose day and the boys would need red clothes and noses for school. I also knew there was a Great School Bake Off competition going on as well. I even managed to get my mum to bake a cake with Little Man last night while I was at football with Mini Man, so it was all going well, until that is Little Man leapt out of bed at 5.55am asking

LM 'Can I start to ice my cake now please'
Me ' Still a little early chick, its not even 6am, try and stay in bed a little longer please'
LM ' Is Mini Man's cake the same size as mine'
Me 'Oh sugar (not my actual thought!), I forgot to bake it last night'
LM 'Mini man is going to be really upset you know'
Me ' no he won't, bags of time to do it now' as I hot foot it down to the kitchen, with LM in tow thinking it is the green light to ice his cake.

And so that is why I was baking a cake at 6.30am this morning and had to put it out on the decking to cool quickly enough for it to be iced!

These were the results though so not too bad and I am proud to say, they both did them by themselves

Frugal Friday

Having been prompted scared into tightening our belts and trying to save money, I have decided that once a week I am going to have a round up of things I have done to be frugal and to try and cut back whether good ideas or not!

So from today onwards, I am going to be doing a Frugal Friday post of my week. If anyone has any other ideas please, please do share them or what you are doing to try and save the pennies as I think I have a lot to learn!

Here is my list for this week:

1. Did my weekly shop in Asda rather than Sainsburys - so far I did spend less
2. I find I have to get things like bread and milk daily/every other day, so instead of taking my wallet, I just took enough money for milk and bread
3. I sorted my freezer and have been really chuffed with what I have made from it
• Monday - I had some left over rice which I made into a savoury rice with mushroom, peas and corn and a little seasoning and soy sauce and we had with some fish I had in
• Tuesday - I found a large bag full of left over turkey and ham from New Years Day so defrosted it and made a rather nice turkey and ham pie, if I do say so myself, even t'husband ate it without complaint. I made the pastry myself as well.
• with some diced lamb I made some kebabs, Mini Man doesn't like mushroom or pepper so I stuck chunks of carrot on his stick, looked odd but he didn't complain, I then did a homemade BBQ sauce and some wedges with these
• Boys eat at Grannie and Grandad's on a Thursday so I used lots of veg in the fridge and did roasted veg tossed in olive oil, a little chilli, garlic and pepper which were lovely for us
• I have defrosted some chicken for tonight - not sure what I will do with it yet!
• So this week I have used only what I have had in my cupboards and freezer :)))
4. I am just about to do next weeks shop on line using mysupermarket.com which compares the price of your shopping list at about 5 different supermarkets
5. We have made the effort to walk to school a lot more this week

So I feel we have made a good start on tightening our belts, lets hope it continues

The Good Life

What the hell has happened to our finances? 

Christ for the first time in years we literally are both at the very cusp of our overdraft limits and so is the joint account. Each time I flex the little bank card, I expect it to be spat out of the machine with a big buzzer going 'uhhhhh-uhhhhhh I don't think so', while I flush a shade closer to the red noses currently on sale and all those in the queue behind me look on sympathetically but with that look in their eye of 'thank god its not me, or stupid woman how can she let herself get in that position at her age' all the while eyeing my Radley handbag and Timberland winter coat and tutting loudly (both of which were presents I hasten to add from more than one person clubbing together - so there!).

I am not saying I am any better because I have not been but hubby is terrible with money and has no concept, however as I rarely actually let him see the bank accounts I guess some of that blame lies at my feet. Thing is if he saw it looking healthy he would spend, if he sees it struggling, he shouts and bemoans the fact he works so hard and he should be allowed to spend what he wants etc so vicious circle. But he is crap, he was invited sailing on his bosses yatch and he went and bought himself a brand new thick jacket, waterproof trousers, shoes and spent nearly £200.00 - why, because he didn't like the navy blue winter jacket with the detachable fleece hanging in our downstairs toilet worn about 10 times in 2 years, it didn't look the part, he wanted some new shoes and OK he needed the trousers. Why did he need a new jacket of £99 when he has 2 in the cupboard he never wears? He spent £700.00 on 2 tailored suits when he started his new job as he is apparently beyond wearing debenhams - does he wear them, does he hell, he never wears a suit jacket and both of those are now redundant as the trousers have both worn through on the bum after less than a year. See what I have to put up with. If I say no though, he literally sulks and doesn't speak to me for 4 days - healthy relationship hey! (and lets not even mention the credit cards which I have just transferred to interest free and have cut up so no more can go on them).

Anyhow sliver lining and all - i think being in this position has been a good thing, a big slap in the face and back to reality - we are living beyond our means, we have been silly and its now time to reign things in again, which we can do.

How though?

Hubby wants damned spreadsheets - yes spreadsheet which I apparently have the time to create and share with him.

I want to say £1742.00 a month goes out on all bills/mortgage etc, and after this we should be taking £200.00 out of the bank per week and spending that on food shopping and anything else we need. How are we spending more than that I don't know but it all adds up.

Over the past year or so I have become a right bugger for 'popping to the supermarket for bread and milk' and returning with at least 3 shopping bags. Only last week I went for milk and a light bulb and came home with some new shoes (only 9.00 in the sale but not necessary, but hey they were purple and nice), and I am constantly thinking things are a bargain so just getting - cooking stuff, bags, stuff for the boys, all not necessary. Hubby just spends, spends spend. most recently he parted with £130.00 for a F***ing TV remote - I kid you not. It does everything, its touch screen, it is enriching his life, he can control everything from one remote but it cost one hundred and flipping thirty pounds. I was NOT happy. This is what I mean, he thinks we have a limitless supply of money.

Anyhow I am now spreading the nutella a bit thinner, slicing the cheese less generously and not putting extra ham in the sandwiches! I am also clearing my freezer and cupboards, baking more and making the most of what we have in.

Any help or advice is welcomed

Its actually been a relief to get to this stage again as I think we needed it after too many years of living the good life.

Time!

My last 2 posts which were the 3rd December and the 8th January both started with how busy things have been, how I have taken a step back from blogging - sounds stupid but I found it was quite a pressurised thing to be trying to do when busy and how I was hoping things would change

Clearly as it is now March, things did not change and I haven't had the chance to do any blogging.

I find myself doing things, or in certain situations and thinking 'this would make a good blog post' or 'must remember that to blog about' and then it doesn't happen.

Going back to the pressurised things, does anyone else feel that? I was finding I would come on to write a blog but then start checking in on other people's, trying to select the ones which caught my eye as interesting and lo and behold, I had lost 2 hours of my working day.

I also have a thing about when people take the time and effort to leave a comment on one of my posts, that I return the favour and go and visit their blog and read their latest post and also leave a comment, to me it is common courtesy, you know if someone sent you an email or phoned you and left a message, it is unlikely you would ignore it. However, new blogs throw up loads of new time issues for me, I find myself trawling through their old posts to try and gauge what type of blogger they are and what they blogged about, if I liked what I saw I added them to my feed, but again, hey presto there is another 2 hours gone.

And then there is the whole 'should I post daily' is that for me or for my readers? Again another small element of up keeping the blog pressure!

And lets not forget Twitter. I am having a bit of an affair with twitter at the moment. I keep my facebooking and personal twitter separate from my blog so have a different blogging twitter account, but on a personal front, I am a little bored of fb and have moved to twitter. However, that and my blog twitter were just one more thing to keep updating, oh and reading and replying to, again consuming more time.

Its hard!

I feel silly admitting this as well, I was getting to the stage where if I didn't get a comment I was feeling disappointed and wanting to know why, was my post boring? why had I spent 3 hours commenting on other people's post for them not to bother to visit my blog? etc, it was getting silly.

I miss it though, but I am not going to promise to start blogging again because as my last 2 posts in December and January said, I want to and clearly haven't been able to so its a case of watch this space!

High's and Low's of 2012

This is a perfect post to start up blogging again with. This has been set up by Kate over at Kateonthinice - if you haven't visited her blog yet, I would fully recommend you do (sorry, I am using a tablet and have not yet figured out how to link things!).

The High's and Low's of 2012

High's

• I have found me again
• The biggest high I faced was the fact my marriage was not perfect, sought help and realised the past 9 years have thrown more challenges at us than most people face in a life time and they have taken their toll - we are in fact only human. I have faced those problems, got help and am feeling like a different person.
• I have found a bit of the old sparkle we had in our marriage.
• My boys amaze me daily and are the reason I have made some of the decisions I have.
• My self assessment tax bill took my breath away but is a reflection of how well the self employment is going.
• The countries I have had the opportunities to visit with work - Austria, Milan, Rome, Madrid, Germany, Holland and more.
• Doing a boudoir shoot is the ultimate way to gain confidence and a personal achievement as body confidence is not my thing.
• Running my first half marathon round Edinburgh and completing it in 2 hours 35 minutes and keeping the running up

Low's

There have been too many and to be fair are they better left in 2012? Many are the opposite of the high's for example my marriage reaching a point neither of us ever thought we'd see, being hurt beyond anything I have ever experienced, struggling with both work and home life, having to seek help, realising I wasn't coping as well as I thought etc. I could go on but as I am setting out to start 2013 in a positive fashion, I am not going to dwell and highlight the low's as this post has taken 2 days now to compose and some of the reason was I hit a bit of a downer after thinking about them, making unwanted thoughts, feelings and doubts resurface.

Kate also answered a set of questions which I will attempt here:

1.What was your happiest event?

Two things which I am selfishly going to make my own events. 1). Completing a half marathon which was a real challenge for someone who has never been able to run and 2). Having the guts to have my photos taken naked!

2. What was the saddest thing to happen?

Realising I wasn't happy in my marriage

3. What was the most unlikely thing to happen that actually went ahead and did?

See the first question and answer! Running a half marathon and taking my kit off (not while running the half marathon I hasten to add!).

4. Who let you down?

My closest friend who hurt me more than I thought possible and although I can forgive, it is not as easy to forget

5. Who supported you?
Close friends and family by just being there - they didn't realise as I didn't discuss any of my problems but they still helped by being there and the blogging, especially Groovy Mum's and Reasons to be Cheerful

6. Tell us one thing you learned

That there is nothing wrong in admitting you need help, it is not a sign of weakness and is in fact a sign of strength

7. Tell us one thing that made you laugh

My best friends hen weekend - in fact when my cheekbones were hurting from laughing I realised just how miserable I had been!

8. Tell us one thing that made you cry

Admitting my relationship was in trouble

9. Tell us three things your child or children did to make you feel proud.

1. The 2 boys just being here. They are both such happy little men, yet have both overcome so much in their short lives. Little Man overcame brain haemorrhage's and breathing difficulties at birth, is now one of the tallest in his class - not bad for a tiny 2lb 9oz baby whose leg was thinner than my Dad's thumb, went into Great Ormond St ICU on life support desperately ill at 8 weeks old with us being told it was touch and go and then he would come home on oxygen and be dogged by a weak chest and numerous problems, to a week later being transferred back to our local hospital with our little fighter on no oxygen, feeding like the world was ending and in 9 years he has not had one chest infection since. He overcomes everything with a smile, he is such a happy, gorgeous boy. Mini man also astounds me daily. Born with a heart condition which had him in heart failure for 14 months and was deemed 'failure to thrive', he dodged open heart surgery 3 times, was on daily steroids, diuretics, reflux meds, and a daily antibiotics due to continued chest infections and ear infections to now being as strong as an ox, a very happy, go Lucky little character who lights up a room with his personality. They both astound me daily.
2. Little Man has worked really hard at his reading. He is struggling in school, but never complains, and puts his all into his work. His reading is so much better now. He also found the confidence to say 2 lines in the school play in front of 100's of people, something we never thought we would see.
3. Mini Man going into Year 1 and suddenly buckling down, and coming on in leaps and bounds.

10. Tell us one thing that made you proud of yourself.

Apart of the 2 things I mentioned in the first question (did I mention I was proud of running my half marathon and having a boudoir shoot!?), I am also very proud that I over came my pride and faced the problems my marriage was having and dealt with them. I made some major decisions which I believe were the right ones, not just for me but for the family, and I guess only time will tell if they were the right ones, but feeling so much happier and more positive makes me feel, if they weren't right, to then make the right ones in the future may be easier.

11. Tell us one challenge you overcame

My pride

12. Tell us three things you would like to change about your life in 2013.

1. I would like to much more confident, not feel bullied at times, and stand up for myself alot more
2. I would like my boys and OH to do more to help and to stop waiting on them hand and foot (most of which is my own fault as I find it easier to tidy up after them all but that needs to stop)
3. I would like to be much more time efficient, especially with work. I write a blog post, then start reading other blogs and suddenly realise I have lost a whole mornings work, then spend 2 hours panicking and trying to make time up before school pick up and doing a sloppy job, or I play stupid addictive games on my phone, it beeps with a message, I read the message and then feel the need to have 'just 3' games of something but then its just one more, oh just one more again, I'll just wait until I score over 100,000 etc. It has to stop.
4. I want to look after myself more - earlier nights, less alcohol, better diet and to shift the last half stone.
5. I am desperate to stop being late places, I am always late and disorganised. Everyone calls me dizzy and dozy and disorganised which is so true (hard to believe I am a successful project manager in my line of work and can organise a meeting for over 1000 people with no hassles!). Although I tell myself it is part of my charm, it needs to change as it stresses me.
6. I want to have friends - sounds odd as I do have friends but not close ones, not like I use to. My 2 best friends from childhood live close by but 1 is very different to me, never left her home town, a real homebody (and don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with that) but she is very safe and sensible and although we see each other most days at school, sometimes run together or go for dog walks etc, its not that total understanding each other's humour relationship, plus our husbands don't really get on, they have never said as much and tolerate each other but you know you can just tell these things. My other close friend who is more like a sister and is as close as one lives on the other side of town. We have a wine and cooking together night once a month and chew the fat and I love it but I want a close friend to giggle with, to pop round to and have coffee and see more of. One who comes and spends an evening with a bottle of wine at ours or we go to theirs - one that involves me and my husband. We seem to have lost most of those friends which I miss. Friends I get on well with, the husbands don't seem to connect.
7. To stop feeling so insecure - I want to be invited to social events and not find out they have happened after the event and that we weren't there and not know why. I want to have a summer BBQ like I tried to last year and not be left with only 2 people and my brother and his wife coming by the actual morning as everyone lets us down.
8. To have a bit more me time so I can do my blogging without worrying about work, and to get back into my family tree which has been abandoned for the last 2 years.
9. To be happy and stop caring and worrying so much.

OK so I know that was 9 things and not 3 but I want to set myself some challenges

The things the boys say......

At the weekend it was t'husband's birthday so we decided we would go out for a meal on Saturday night and Grandad was drafted in to babysit.

I called down the stairs late afternoon and asked t'husband where he fancied eating so I could book a table and Mini Man replied

MM: the pub is good to eat in you know

Me: Thanks for that Mini Man, did you hear that Daddy?

Daddy: I think we'll go into town, either the steakhouse or chinese

Later on that evening, I started cooking for the boys and Mini Man wonders into the kitchen

MM: Hang on, I thought we were eating in the pub

Me: No sweetheart Mummy and Daddy are going out and you will be with Grandad so I am cooking your tea

MM: Big tears at this point, folded arms and stroppy face 'well that is not fair at all, I always invite Daddy to my birthday parties'

          -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This evening t'husband was sat at his computer which is behind the dining room table while the boys were finishing their tea and was looking at the news (if you call The Sun online news that is), and Little Man turned round as t'husband flicked past a picture of someone in a bikini and then the same person sat in a car, then on the beach, and Little Man suddenly said

'Whoooaaa, look at those ladies' blushed and started giggling.

I think the hormones maybe beginning to kick in!

For one day and one day only- a photo!

This will be brief!

I am so damned proud of myself for doing the boudoir shoot and also for how well the images turned out and it was a big slap in the face about how down on myself I have been, or rather that should be a massive confidence boost as even if I say so myself, I look good!! For anyone interested this post here tells why I decided to do the shoot and this post here is about the shoot on the day and how I felt.

 So for those of you who have been asking, here is one photo which I was going to only leave up for 24 hours (don't want it on permanently as told the hubby he is not allowed to share them so bit of pot and kettle black there and he might know about this blog!) but I will leave for a little longer.
 
So TA DAAAAAAA