Saturday, 17 September 2011

Big feeling sorry for myself post

I think the title says it all. I am feeling very sorry for myself and miserable so be warned. This post is simply a download for me, to get it out of my system and to have a rant, not even one for people to read, its for me.

As I blogged about on Reasons to be Cheerful, Thursday 15th was my 10th wedding anniversary and we went out for a meal. On the morning of it t'husband appeared in the kitchen and said Happy Anniversary so I gave him my card and also a Play Station game I know he has been after.Now I agree a PS3 game does not seem a great present especially for a 10th wedding anniversary but I was even unsure whether to buy that.

The reasons - well this year, 10th anniversary, he received my things and started saying he was so sorry he hadn't got me a card, and had something planned but thought the 15th was the Friday, and kept going on about being really crap. I asked if the game was OK and he said it was fine, I obviously knew what he wanted but when I pushed him and said he had just put it to one side he then admitted he had already bought it for himself and not told me, and apologised.

I shrugged it off, and this is why I was unsure about even buying him a game. Over the summer I had mentioned him taking Friday 16th and Monday 19th off work and perhaps we could of gone away for our anniversary. He did book the days off but said he thought we should concentrate on putting money into the house and not go away. Last year he completely forgot our anniversary, it simply passed event though I gave him a card. I was pretty devastated but didn't make too big a deal out of it, after all we were living 200 miles apart as he had started his new job 4 weeks before and I was back in our old town selling the house with the kids. Another reason was we had just had a very, very shitty 18 months and we were at the stage of coming out the other side and putting things behind us, it was me who was having the major crisis over our marriage and my feelings. 

Previous years our anniversary has simply passed with a card. Each anniversary I have done the card and done the small gifts, like the little cards for wallets with meaningful sayings on, chocolates etc and each thing has been discarded to the side, never eaten or touched. It does hurt but there you go. He's not overly romantic, although he can surprise me at times which is nice, probably more special as I never expect it. Birthdays, mothers day (one year I got taken to Sainsburys with the boys, having said I would like a new mug for work, and got told to pick my own - during our really shitty time) and valentines day I never expect too much.

Anyhow, on Thursday he went off to work, I got on with my day but when he got in he asked what I was planning on wearing as we had decided to mark the 10 years with a meal. He handed me a small box and said it was something for me to wear. My first thought was an eternity ring, a sore point with me having been taken to a jewellers on our 4th anniversary and looked at rings, and then one never materialised and each year, I wonder if it will appear. The box was however too big, instead he had got me a beautiful diamond necklace, 5 tiny diamonds in it and I was blown away. It is gorgeous and so unlike him. You see this is why when he does these things it means so much. I couldn't stop looking at it in the mirror opposite me in the restaurant.

Friday on his day off I booked tickets to GameFeast in the NEC. My idea of not a good day out, his idea of heaven, all about gaming, new release games etc. To be fair it was pretty rubbish, all the new releases were hidden behind curtains due to the over 18 age limit and you had to queue for over an hour to get a 5 minute play on them. We only queued for one. In all honesty, he wanted to be able to watch the game play and see what it was like. Offers were pretty rubbish too, right as we were leaving he saw these headphones - earforce px5 or something which were on a special offer of £170.00 for the show only, however he has found them on the Internet for £140.00 brand new - big difference. Anyhow I digress.

As we were motoring back up the M1, I began falling asleep (I missed a full nights sleep on Tuesday night due to a new dog in the house) and it was catching up. He then had a massive go at me about it being nice if I could stay awake, all he does for his job is drive and maybe I could of offered. I did as we left the NEC and handed him the keys, he claimed I didn't. I must admit, I am a little nervous driving his car as it is a company car (I am insured on it) but he never stops picking, I brake too much, I drive too slow, I leave too bigger gap, I;m not aggressive enough and allow people to cut me up etc. I bit my tongue as I know he was very tired as well. All evening he was quiet and then fell asleep.

Today he has been like a bear with a sore head, he has done nothing but shout at me and the boys. By lunchtime I had had enough and asked him what the problem was and this was his response. Apparently he is 'insulted that 10 years of marriage is only worth a poxy game, perhaps I could of made more of an effort, I didn't know him as he wanted a new gadget etc'. I was speechless and mentioned the last 10 frigging years and how it was never celebrated so was unsure of even the game as I was fed up of it all being one sided. Why would 10 years be any different from the other ones? He then went off on one about me dragging the past up etc etc. All the while the boys were sat in the back of the car. It was awful. For me I was so upset over his attitude, plus it goes against everything I believe in about never arguing in front of the boys.

Yes I agree 10 years should be important and I guess when I think about what he has spent on my necklace a game does seem very lame (I kind of know the feeling as I spent quite a bit of money on a fiorelli handbag for a friends birthday and she got me a plastic laptop case thingy from Primark for my birthday which cost £3.00 and yes I was a tad put out). However in all honesty what does he expect? Why would I expect him to do anything? The thing that he has been dropping hints about I have already got sorted for his 40th birthday and family are clubbing together to buy it, so I had to tell him that.

We went home and I got a receipt out of my wallet for a gaming chair that I had sneaked off and bought at this gamefeast, and told him it was being delivered next week for him and I got out of the car and he then backed out of the drive and said he was going off with the boys. He had my keys so I had no way of getting in the house so walked off through the field and over to Sainsburys.  He guessed where I was headed and reached the crossing just as I did and threw the receipt out of the window at me and said he was insulted. I walked straight into the toilet and bawled my eyes out. I then emailed the company and asked to cancel my order via my phone. I have no idea if I can, or if it will cost me, but sod him. if necessary I will keep it at a friends and sell it on eBay. Even though we have it sorted now, I will not go back on the chair, the order is cancelled. In the end he sent Mini Man into the toilets looking for me.

Eventually we have 'sorted' it out, after the usual threats of him saying he would pack a bag and go away for a few days - prompted by me as he stood there and apologised and said he wanted to draw a line under it and forget it and I said I didn't know if I could and I was fed up of drawing a line under things. Over the last few years he has put me through hell and I have fought hard to save our marriage, to sort my feelings out and come through the other side, much of which I think he is unaware of how badly everything has affected me and for the last 10 months or so, I have felt things have been great again and that I had made the right decision to work through things. Today though was a major slap in the face.

I feel that I was in the wrong not to make more of our wedding anniversary but I did have my reasons plus I would have no idea what to buy him, as to me yet another gadget is pretty much the same as a game other than cost. I am still seething and still upset, but we have made up, we have both apologised, and we have said we will forget and he says he got me the necklace as it was a way of saying to me, he knows over the last few years he has been shit but wants to make amends and show me from now on things like this won;t just go by with no recognition.

Thing is I do love him, we do get on really well, we are good friends, I wouldn't of fought with my own feelings if I didn't think he was worth it. In this I have only slated him but he has many, many strenghts, none of us are perfect and I know for sure I am not. This however has really pissed me off, really cut deep. For me it has kind of taking all the meaning out of the necklace he gave me. I did feel and still do to some extent like taking it off and giving it back to him. Am I stupid in thinking he didn't give it to me for the right reasons as it seemed more important he got an equivalent gift?

I must also admit I am not sure this is the real reason he was so moody today and just used it as an excuse, after all he already knew what I had got him in the morning, he went to a jewellers for my necklace over lunch, and gave it to me in the evening, fully aware of what I had got him and he was fine, we had a lovely meal out. a good chat, a giggle, so why suddenly bring it up on Saturday, 2 days later. If it was such a big deal why bother getting me anything at all. 

Sorry about the out pour but I am so tired, pissed off and upset and needed to get this off my chest. Its not even for anyone to read, just for me to sound off.


Sarah Mac said...

I really want to give you a big hug right now.

I can identify with so much of what you have said having been in a very similar relationship for 13 years up until 2 years ago.

Please don't be sorry. You have every right to be tired and upset.

So much more I want to say but as I said, I was in a similar relationship and I'm afraid I would just project my feelings and thoughts which may not be relevant in your case.

I hope you can regain and retain the happiness of the past 10 months.

Take care xx

Theramblingpages said...

Thanks Sarah, I wasn't really expecting any comments, like I said it was more to have a good old fashioned moan. I do want to stress though t'husband does not hit me or hasn't been off with other women etc, he just has a very odd attitude about things. Generally things are good, I'd say 85% of the time, its just after 16 years and the same things being a problem it comes a bit wearing, and each time pisses me off that little bit more, along with the fact he says sorry makes it all ok. If I am honest with myself, if we didn't have the boys we may not be here today but he is a brilliant Dad,the boys still streak thru the house everynight as he pulls into the drive & after getting his shoes off he is on the floor playing with them. I couldn't take thst away from them. That is why I fought a few years ago & initially made the decision to make it work for them but over time wounds heal & we found some of the old us. I can't explain why he has made me so upset over this. Yes I do feel shit, I should of done more but then I didn't know he would. Just v sngry. As they say its easy to forgive but not to forget. Really appreciate you taking the time to comment,I feel pretty low about it all with no one to talk to x

BNM said...

hello, you know you can always talk to me - if it helps we've been married 7years this year and the only thing neb got was a box of chocolates (apparently it's copper and wool 7years and the box was a browny colour).
You know I know where you come from and that apparently both of us have husbands who can be great most of the time!
Love you, big huge hugs and a squeeze

Theramblingpages said...

Thanks BNM, I know I could talk to you & you would understand but I'm not very good at it! Just knowing you are there helps. Thing is like I have said above its not all bad, far from it, I just wish there were certain things I could forget & move on from & I don't seem to be able to so when he goes off on one, I get so angry when I think of the amount of times and concessions I have given. I am convinced not many would of still been fighting for it, and eoukd of had enough a long time ago. Love u too xx ps is ur work number still the same x

BNM said...

was meant to reply to this yesterday but yes it is .. ring anytime today on tod in office!

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