I am a little late with this post but I wanted to join in again as doing it last week really made me think about the things I was doing and whether they were really for me.
My problem is since having the kids my confidence is so low. I put this down to having always been a very lively, out going social butterfly and that outgoing butterfly got crushed as Little Man got older and older.
For those who don't read my blog Little Man has ADHD and aspergers and from about the age of 1, his behaviour left alot to be desired. No-one understood why he did what he did, least of all me, other parents wanted to shield their kids from the nasty one (and to be perfectly honest and I think one of the most heartbreaking things was I know I would of felt the same had it of been another child hurting my son), and gradually the invites to coffee, other people's houses and play dates dried up completely, and by the time we got to nursery and school, Little Man had a reputation and I was seen as the mother who didn't discipline, the mother who couldn't cope.
When Mini Man arrived he was a very sick baby (heart problems) and caught everything going, and I was very poorly after his birth and ended up with an emergency hysterectomy which quite frankly just finished me off and I quite rapidly plunged into some good old fashioned post natal depression. I was the type who hid it, my parents didn't realise, my husband a little but I always 'put a face on' and got on with life to the outside world but as soon as t'husband was out of the door to work, I was sat under the shower crying for half an hour wondering how I would get through the day. I struggled with keeping the counselling appointments they set up for me following the hysterectomy as I had no one to leave the kids with. No one wanted my eldest, and I think people shied away from the responsibility of looking after a sick baby. My parents and family lived over 200 miles away.
I coped by isolating myself, not taking myself to places where Little Man could get into trouble, we went to the park by ourselves, we went for walks by ourselves, and all in all this has had a massive knock on effect on my confidence. Even now Little Man is much better, and getting more out of life and even has friends, I seem to have lost the art of conversation, of being in a group. I just feel intimidated now, i think no-one wants to hear what I have to say. I often start talking and then realise the person has turned away and is talking to someone else and my sentence just trials off unfinished and no-one notices.
This I want to change, I want to enjoy life again, enjoy being with people and enjoy having a laugh and I think that needs to start with finding me again so this blog hop is so relevant and really makes me think about what I want to do.
I have been very fortunate this last week to of been away with work which inevitably meant alot of time to myself. I don't like being away from the boys, in fact I hate it but work is work at the end of the day and being away every few months for 4 nights to enable me to be there at the school gates every other day, be able to help out in school and do all the after school activities makes it worth while.
Normally when I am away I am very diligent and spend my evenings in my hotel room doing work, after all there's not much else to do. This time though I worked one night, I bumped into some people who also provide me with regular work and when asked if I wanted to join them for dinner, I accepted instead of thinking I wouldn't have anything to say and it would be a nightmare and do you know - it was lovely, I enjoyed it, I drank far too much red wine and I got talked into trying reindeer (which was lovely by the way), and I even managed to contribute to some of the conversation instead of just sitting grinning like an uncomfortable baboon. I also managed to read a whole book and I can;t remember the last time I did that, and I took 2 hours off to walk round Stockholm and see the city I was in. So this last week I have really worked on some me time. I also think going out to dinner with P and B has also given me a real confidence boost.
This week I am not sure what I am going to do 'for me' but I am going to do something and find some time.
Finally to answer Kate's questions:
What music is best to play while finding my groove? I don't think there is anything specific, I think I just need to play more music. Driving to the airport last week I stuck my CD player on and found McFly in there, good old cheesy music I can sing to and I turned it up LOUD and it was good and I sang he whole way and really enjoyed it. Driving home from the airport I stuck the Mama Mia sound track in and again had a good old sing song.
What can I do to make my body feel better this week?
Well last night I signed up for Closer Diets so I am hoping that will help and I also told t'husband last night that we are going to take it in turns to take te dog for a walk in the evenings or rather a run - we both need to get fitter and I figure if we do about 3km every other night each it will really help us and also give the dog the exercise he needs.
If you want to join in, pop over to Kate on thin ice and add your link x
6 comments:
Thank you so much for linking up. You are one of my very favourite new cyberfriends so I promise to listen when we meet up (which we will!). I like your post because you are one of those who is clearly still hesitant (like me) but still showing real strength in trying to change and get that ol' groove back. Dinner sounds like fun and sometimes booze does help that bit when we are feeling non-social. Your words about trying to talk and then feeling like folks lose interest really resonated with me. It is so hard to know where to pitch it. Politics - you can be stepping on toes. Humour - there do seem to be some very non-humorous people out there. So easy to reveal yourself and somehow threaten people in some way that you can't quite work out etc etc.
Hope you stick with this journey. I know it was my idea but I am getting so much out of it and reading all these stories Women are so strong - we recognise an issue and decide to challenge it even if in little ways. Here's to us #groovingmums
It's the first time I have read your blog, and I am touched by your heartfelt honesty. It sounds like you have been through so much since becoming a parent. Motherhood can be isolating at times, it is easy to lose confidence - and even harder to force yourself out of your comfort zone to try and get it back. It sounds like you made a great start this week, and I thought the dinner with reindeer and lots of red wine sounded fab!
What an incredibly powerful post. It's remarkable to think what your coming through, and so frankly impressive that you can write with such clarity and honesty about your experience of being such a needed mamma with so little practical support around you.
Great to hear about Stockholm, what a treat to be alone in a unknown city. Also great to hear about your fab tiddly dinner conversation - I can very much relate to feeling that people won't be interested in what I have to say too! Wine does loosen the mind and the mouth!
Hoping you'll post next Tuesday!
I hadn't realised what a tough time you had had with your two wee ones. It is not easy for any new mum to suddenly find themselves in what kind be a very lonely time without adult company but it must have been even harder for you with your oldest. You write with real honesty and in a very moving way. I hope you really do get your groove back!
I wrote a whole big comment the other day and then my phone messed up and I lost it! Very annoying!
My son was 7 weeks early and then had to have a stomach operation for pyloric stenosis at 4 weeks old. We got him home finally when he was 5 weeks old. He had problems on and off for the first 13 months. I went to see a gastro consultant and he told me that it was colic (he was 8 months old at the time!) and was very dismissive. The HV thought he was on the autistic spectrum and sent out a specialist team to assess him. By the time they came for the visit though his personality had changed completely and he seems to be ok now.
My friends didn't really acknowledge the tough time I was having and I found it very difficult. I continued to go to the baby classes, but it was always me that had to leave early or had the screaming baby throughout. It's only now that his behaviour has improved that people comment about how cranky & moany he was before. Like you my family are not nearby, but my husband's parents have been a great help and they are only 30 min away. Thankfully my daughter is an angel baby and I've been finding it much easier this time round. My confidence however disappeared (it's slowly coming back) and I was unhappy. I'm starting to get my groove back...
I admire your honesty so much, and I admire you. It's really inspiring to read about you beginning to come out the other side of a really difficult time.
And I'm glad I'm not the only one that loves a good singalong to cheesy music :D
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