This week I have had a slight wobble which I have been trying not to think about and push to the back of my mind but as they say its better to get it out. Its just it makes me feel a bit silly as I have made peace with what happened and it is five years on now, but still it gets me every year.
My Mini Man was 5 last Sunday, my baby, now growing up into a big boy, now at full time school and I miss my baby (although he is not too big yet not to want to climb into my lap each morning, all sleepy for that morning hug).
We had a great party and day, he loved his cake and his present (a new scooter). But what was mummy doing at times - feeling a little miserable and thinking far too much about the past and not the present.
Five years ago on his birthday, I lost my chance of ever having a normal pregnancy, ever having another baby, and please don't get me wrong, I am eternally grateful to of had the chance to have two amazing children, to of even been pregnant, just a shame I never managed to carry to term.
A couple of hours after Mini Man's birth at 34 weeks, I had to be given an emergency hysterectomy. It saved my life, I was in ICU for 3 days, and had 14 blood transfusions so you know, it was the right decision and I accept that, but it still doesn't stop me mourning the loss of my ability to have children, to expereince a full term preganacy and to try for the much wanted third baby. I did initially still have my ovaries but not long after had a huge scare with an unknown growth on one, that they decided to remove it and biopsy it and whipped the other one out at the same time, so the secret thoughts I had of maybe one day being able to afford a surrogate were gone as well.
Thing is I am here, I am healthy and I have 2 perfect boys, what more could you want? And I don't really but it doesnt stop me sometimes sitting, watching and wondering what life would of been like with a third, perhaps a girl. It doesn't stop the empty cot feeling, and the yearning for another baby, or the desire to look after a tiny thing, totally dependent on you.
My boys are growing up and the baby years are now behind us. I think another reason why this year was particualary bad was we always use to say we would have 2 children and then as soon as that youngest had got to full time school we would plan a third and possiby a fourth.
Real question is after a 31 weeker and a 34 weeker with a hell of a pregnancy, would I really of gone on to have a third if I could of? I don't know but deep down I think yes I would of done, but what is meant to be is meant to be.
The night before Mini Man was delivered I was given the option to have my tubes tied, we decdied against it as we felt we wanted nature to take its course and if we were meant to have a third it would work out. I guess nature did take it course but on probably the 3rd most joyous day of my life (1 being my wedding day, 2 being Little Man's birth), I also had one of the biggest loses I have ever experienced, so I guess it is only natural I will be reminded of it and think about the 'what ifs'.