Saturday, 11 February 2012

Grooving mums

I try and take part in this each week since it has started and it has been a huge help - at the beginning of my grooving mum's journey I was just plodding but aware that I needed to find me again and Grooving mum;s was exactly what I needed, each week it gave me a target to met with Kate's little challenges and it was great, it made me think about what I was doing, what I could do for me, and made me make more time to do it, and of course it was great reporting back and sharing, however since it has started a lot has happened both on a personal level and on a work front and my confidence has plummeted to an all time low and I am now struggling. I am struggling with things like responding to Grooving mum's as my groove has deserted me, gone AWOL and could possibly be found sunning itself on a remote desert island having the time of its life without me. I wish it would come home soon! Reasons to be Cheerful is another link I enjoy doing as it also makes you appreciate what you have especially on a bad week but this is eluding me as well at the mo.

None the less, I am still going to try and respond to both as I think now it is more important than ever to try and evaluate exactly what I do have and what is good and to remind myself.

I apologise though if this post is not upbeat and fabulous and all my posts of late are bit deary and depressing. I have recently lost 2 followers and to be fair it doesn't surprise me in the least. So onto the challenges

1. Body – What are you looking at? What can you see differently? On a practical level, how is your eyesight and eye health?
My eyesight is shocking and has been all my life, I get free eye tests my eye sight is that bad! The expression can't see beyond the end of your nose, is very apt for me! I wear contact lenses, refuse to be seen in glasses as despite the thinner lenses I still look like I am wearing coke bottle bottoms. In fact yesterday a friend came round very early to look at our boiler (another story) and I saw him pull into the drive, knew I didn't have time to get up stairs, so hid my glasses in my pocket and opened the door blind, let him in, and pointed him in the right direction and then put my lenses in! Vain I know. I am due an eye test next month but don;t expect any change! As for my body, it is a bit of a derelict temple, I am meant to be running but with the ice and snow and too much work this hasn't been happening recently, the last few days I haven't had much appetite and I need to address this as I am having  1 piece of cheese on toast and then picking at my dinner, or yesterday I had a bowl of porridge and then a curry about 9.00 and that was it all day.

2. Mind – How is your mental health? Are you stuck or if you think really hard, can you find ways to improve things for yourself? What can others do to help you?
This is really bad at the moment, I have really plummeted. I know what the root cause is which I guess is a step in the right direction but I have well and truly let it all crash in on me and am struggling to cope at the moment. I seem to be making a right royal f up of everything right now, I can;t keep on top of the PTA duties at school, I can't keep on top on every day life like the washing and ironing and I can't keep on top of work.

I am self employed but get all my work from 1 client. I ran a meeting with them last week and I had said I would be there for 9ish, I arrived at 9.15 due to traffic and the fact people kept ringing me from the airport asking where their drivers were so I kept having to pull over to find numbers and call people. The MD was already there and didn't seem too pleased when I arrived. I then noticed a mistake on the participant's list, this was corrected, reprinted and dealt with but shouldn't of really happened. She then  told me she hadn't got the most recent slides, I said they were on the server and she responded with 'they weren't last night' as if I was lying. I showed her where they were and later in the day she admitted she had not looked on the server but looked somewhere different. After the evening dinner she indicated we needed to do some work so I went back to the meeting room, and she never came and was next door playing monopoly with the attendees. I popped through to ask a few questions and wasn't asked to join them so I ended up sat alone for 3 hours working until 11pm.

The next morning the meeting started at 8.30 so I got to the meeting room at 7.30am and her and the other lady helping run the meeting were already there - I got quite a surly good morning when I walked in. What bloody time did they want me. I just didn't seem to do anything right. At the end they both said bye but neither said well done, or it went well to me or anything. I got the very strong impression I wasn't flavour of the month. I also overheard a conversation about other work which needed doing and this would be work I would normally do, but I overheard them saying about it and then the MD said well bearing in mind our previous conversation maybe we should ask B to do it as she is very quiet at the moment. I wouldn't have the capacity anyway a the mo to take it on and maybe they knew this but why didnt they say well seeing as though RP is busy with X, Y and Z at the mo, maybe we should ask B to do it. This has got me really paranoid, what was their previous converation - I suspect it was I am always meeting deadlines right at the last minute and struggle to turn work around quickly which is true, my attention to detail also needs a lot of attention as I am rushing things so much.

Now to add to it emails since then meeting have all been quite abrupt. I have now discovered that I haven't changed a slide that has gone to the major client as the MD requested - this was based on the other woman telling me not to worry about it. What do I do, do I admit I haven't done it, hope that it is OK, update it and contact the major client direct and ask her to use the new deck or ring the MD and tell her? t'husband has told me I need to cover my back and get some back up work which although a sensible suggestion hasn't helped. I think this MD is so pissed off with me for one reason or another that whatever I do she will find fault with and this could be a tipping point for her. She goes on holiday today - so do I wait until she is back and in a better mood.

Anyhow I have shed many tears in the last hour over this mistake, another indication my mental mood and health is at an all time low - I don't know what to do but I have booked an appointment at the doctors, it is for after half term so 10 days away and I am now wondering if I should try and bring it forward?

3. Spirit – What memories are you making? What would you like your legacy to be?
We always try and do fun things with the kids, like last weekend I charged round with them and had a snowball fight, we took them sledging, we take them to lots of different places, I hope they grow up with fond memories of this, also of a happy, secure home.

4. Blogging – Do you think people miss you when you don’t blog? What can you learn from that?
Although I get some lovely comments and very supportive ones I am unsure what people think of my blog. I think my writing is very stodgy, long winded, not to the point and in short very boring! I have just lost 2 followers which is an indication it is not very interesting to all!

5. Special Days – Valentine’s Day is a week away. Do you acknowledge it? How do you show love on that day or all year round? Who loves you?
We don't often do much for Valentine's day, occasionally t;husband will get me flowers and surprise me but it is not every year. We always do the card thing but never the presents, we sometimes may got for a meal but again not often.

6. The Big Question – This is the challenge that is supposed to help you to reflect deeply. This week’s is …
What good are you doing?
Not sure at the moment, being a good mum to my boys and loving them.

7. Who Am I? This is a huge question and one I am trying to figure out right now.


Deb a Aspieinthefamily said...

Hi RP, sorry to read you're having such a stressful time. I don't think you're being paranoid about your working situation; I would hate to feel I've been treated llike that. Sorry if this sounds obvious,but would it be worthwhile diversifying away from this one client and/or getting more help? You sound incredibly busy. As or the who am I question, not sure about that myself; totally lost sight of me and where I am going in life. Deb x

claire@mummyplum said...

Hi there. Your life sounds like it's manic. It must be hard going keeping all the plates spinning. Maybe you need to ease up on taking on so much work (if you can afford to) until you feel that you can get yourself feeling like everything isn't quite so last minute again. Hard, I know. Also, if you do diversify and look for another client, it may be that they are much easier to deal with anyway, which will be a blessing for you in the long run. Good luck with it, and your docs appointment too. x